Bedtime Stories
by pieck-aboo
Summary: Levi reads his two young daughters a bedtime story. Quality family time, indeed. LevixRico (mentioned) One-shot.


**Here's the LevixRico one-shot I said I would write a while back. Sorry it's kinda late. I gotta start working on my other fics, man, but I couldn't resist writing this one after the idea popped into my head. This is... slightly crack... kind of a satire. LOL Rico and Levi are married with kiddies in this fic. This more or less focuses on them as parents, rather than a sappy love story, but I hope you all enjoy the read!**

 **Headcanon that if Levi had kids, he'd wouldn't put up with their bullshit and would probably be a hardcore disciplinarian. (He'd probably make them do a bunch of cleaning chores.) But I'm sure he'd be a great dad overall! :)**

* * *

It was _his_ turn to put the kids to bed.

Lily, 5, and Emma, 7, were restless as usual, running around in their PJs after brushing their teeth as instructed.

Levi tried to reason with Rico that the young and impressionable minds required some _maternal affection_ , while Rico reminded him that they made a pact long ago when their firstborn still slept in a crib.

They would alternate putting the girls to bed on school nights, and as soon as the daunting task was complete, they could celebrate the victory by resuming _adult_ activities.

Like catching up with their favorite shows on Netflix.

(Or trying to initiate sex, but more often than not, they'd be too tired to really follow through. It's true when they say "the sex-life really takes a nose dive once kids enter the picture.")

Rico waited patiently for Levi to hop to it, folding her arms across her chest while tapping her foot in a steady rhythm. "Any day now." She remarked curtly.

"I don't have the energy for this tonight." Levi protested. "I'm tired as hell."

"I put the girls to bed last night." Rico responded nonchalantly. "Rules say it's your turn."

"After all the shit I dealt with today…" Levi muttered, sighing in disdain. "Fine."

"Kids!" Rico called out, unsure where they ran off to. "Daddy's gonna read you a bedtime story!"

"I am?" Levi had agreed to no such thing.

The cheers and happy squeals from two little girls echoing down the hall quickly followed Rico's announcement, and Levi knew he couldn't back out now.

As he guided the little shits upstairs to their bedroom, he looked back to see a satisfied Rico already making herself comfortable on the living room couch.

He would get his revenge… later…

* * *

With the girls tucked in, surrounded by their favorite dolls and stuffed animals, Levi took a moment to collect himself and glance about the room. The walls were a soft pink- shit, everything was pink.

Pink this… pink that…

Pink, pink, pink!

Just his luck; he ended up becoming the father of two _girls_! How is he going to handle this later down the road when they hit puberty?! Two pre-teens experimenting with makeup and writing cliché garbage in their diaries (he's definitely going to read their entries if he's lucky enough to find them), and… two teenage girls experimenting with… boys!

Awh, hell no!

Any guy stupid enough to think he can date one of his daughters (and live to tell about it) is going to be sorry they were ever born.

But for now, he can just relax. Lily and Emma are content with playing hide and seek, and both think boys are gross because "they have cooties."

Yes, they do.

Still, Levi wants to make this bedtime story gig fun for all parties involved.

After rummaging through several possibilities, he finds _the_ glorious picture book.

 _This is the one._

 _Go the F*ck to Sleep_ , by Adam Mansbach.

He clears his throat before beginning, the girls listening intently with smiles stretched on their little faces.

"Go the Fuck to Sleep," Levi says casually, "by Adam Mansbach."

He turns the page and continues.

" _The cats nestle close to their kittens now. The lambs have laid down with the sheep. You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear. Please go the fuck to sleep."_

The girls let out a soft giggle, before exploding in laughter.

"Oi. Pipe down." Levi says sternly. "It's quiet time."

The girls nod and allow him to go on.

" _The windows are dark in the town, child. The whales huddle down in the deep. I'll read you one very last book if you swear You'll go the fuck to sleep._

 _The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest, and the creatures who crawl, run, and creep. I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying. Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep."_

Lily starts to exhibit symptoms alluding to an impending slumber. Emma is still wide awake.

" _The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon. The field mice, they make not a peep. It's been thirty-eight minutes already. Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Go to sleep._

 _All the kids from day care are in dreamland. The froggie has made his last leap. Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom. You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep."_

Lily begins to lightly snore. Emma is putting up a fight.

" _The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle. The sparrow has silenced her cheep. Fuck your stuffed bear, I'm not getting you shit. Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep."_

As the story draws to a close, Emma drifts off… slowly but surely.

" _Bleary and dazed I awaken, to find your eyes shut, so I keep my fingers crossed tight as I tiptoe away and pray that you're fucking asleep."_

At long last, the kiddos are asleep!

* * *

In ultra-stealth mode, Levi places the book back on the shelf and quietly slips out of the room. He roams downstairs, impressed by how quickly he was able to accomplish the feat. He walks over to the couch with the intention of gloating his achievement, only to find that Rico has also gone the fuck to sleep, glasses slightly askew.

Levi carefully picks up his petite wife and carries her bridal style to their bedroom.

After settling himself comfortably on the bed, Rico by his side, he yawns.

And eventually, goes the fuck to sleep.

* * *

 **I have no idea what just happened.**

 **Also, I don't own SnK or _Go the Fuck to Sleep_.**

 **The End!**


End file.
